Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
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Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired