Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
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Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
is this meant to deter me
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.