Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden

Antelope: o no

Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want

Antelope: omfg

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“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”

A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.

“I’d like 3 second slices please”


[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy


The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.


Me: Will you marry me?

Her: No

Backing singers: She said no! she said no!

Me: Not now



Him: You want to dance?

Her: *Giggling* Ok

Him: *Scowling* Well go on then


Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance


All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.


I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.

But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.


“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”

– Adam & Eve on laundry day


[meeting girlfriend’s dad]

Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips

Him: Dr, I have a PhD

Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips