Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
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Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class