Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
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One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
No, YOUR illiterate.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still