[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
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cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.