*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
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I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Bread puns are on the rise!
Haha! 😂
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?