Liquor Store Parking
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Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.