[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
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do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Raisins are grape jerky.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
pls suprot
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.