list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
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Sign of the day..
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.