listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
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Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.