Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
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priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
🤣😂
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Ion see the issue