“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
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The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.