Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
You Might Also Like
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Mornin
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.