@bazlyons

Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.

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@NikatNiteNite

Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”

@LuvPug

The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.

@neiltyson

Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats

@ieatanddrink

If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs

@JermHimselfish

I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.

@robwhisman

don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”

@1Happytwit

My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.