@bazlyons

Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.

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@OhDuarte

My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.

@Brianhopecomedy

Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.

@steeve_again

It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing

@obviouseyes

How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.

I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…

@SCbchbum

It’s called St. Valentine’s Day because St. Blowjob for Jewelry Day just didn’t have the same ring to it.

@Anniewritess

My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.

@MrFornicator

Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

@MrSpoonicorn

why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward

@steeve_again

I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught

@AnnaDoesntWant2

Hey kids,

Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves

– adults