@bazlyons

Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.

You Might Also Like

@patnspankme

“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”

So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?

@Lance_Said_This

ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!

HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.

@envydatropic

Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.

@RexHuppke

For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.

@Megatronic13

Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.

@huntigula

[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there

@AngryRaccoon2

Is he dead?

Is he dead?

Is she dead?

Is HE dead?

What about him?

Is SHE dead?

-My kids watching 80s music videos.

@WheelTod

Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?

@FormerHumorist

*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*