Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
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Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
my favorite genre of twitter
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French