Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
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I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Okay me first
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.