Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.
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Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
When you let grandma cat sit
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife