Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
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Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you