listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
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If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Feel. He’s so soft.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.