Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
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Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
#NoRestForTheWicked
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Whoa… oh I see lol
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea