Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
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We all have our pet causes.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.