listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
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[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.