@nicfit75

Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.

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@AndrewChamings

2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black

2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos

@iMikosnyc

Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!

@TeaAndCopy

[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]

19.98

[very gently]

19.99

[ok, once more]
[deep breath]

37.83

GODDAMMIT

@WhatevaConc

If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.

@bewgtweets

Date: so you were married twice before?

Me: yes

Date: any kids

Me: no they were both adults

@stevevsninjas

The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.

@chopper4jk

Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.