@AndrewChamings 2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
@nicfit75 Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
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@AndrewChamings 
@iMikosnyc Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
@TeaAndCopy [Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]１９.９８
[very gently]
１９.９９
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]３７.８３
GODDAMMIT
@samalmightysam Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
@WhatevaConc If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
@Chay4Raghu I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
@causticbob Lassie, get help!
@bewgtweets Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
@stevevsninjas The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
@chopper4jk Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.