“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
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Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Good morning y’all ☀️
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
What about a To-Don’t List?
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
And that about sums it up.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
selfie game
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures