“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts
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My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job