Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!

Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!

If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.

I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.

Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.

Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity

my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking

Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.

I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open

[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]

Daughter: dada what are you watching?

Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.

Son: what’s it about?

Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.

[later]

Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?

Me: no idea lol.

“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]

How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?

Men: 58

Women: 1

Me: I’m so tired.

Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.

Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!

Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*

*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*

Genie: please don’t w-

Me: I wish for a third kite

The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.

I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.

they’re called hooves, dummy🙄

My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it

*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*

I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.

I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.

Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.

This device could predict incoming phone calls.

“Hello what’s your emergency?”

Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up

Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!

Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote

I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.

are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala

Me: I slept through the second half of that movie

Kids: And the first half

Me: Yes

Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys

Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.

If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.

why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism