“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
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Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
It’s an epidemic…