Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
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Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative