Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
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Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?