Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
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If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Important reminders
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.