@fuzzlime

listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing

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@AudreyPorne

Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*

@adamgreattweet

if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am

@piranhapanorama

Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Scientist: No

Cop: How much science u do tonite?

Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]

Cop: Get out

@TheHyyyype

COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!

ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*

CW: uuhh…

@YSylon

I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.

But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE

@LoveYoorFate

The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over