listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
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ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
LOL
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts