Listening to music and explicit lyrics play.
In my 20s: *turns song up and sings along loudly with it*
In my 40s: *changes song* Do they have to cuss so much?
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Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
me logging onto twitter
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Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂
‘Probably’.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Who called it med school and not the I.V. League
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Lmfaoooooo
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Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?