*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
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Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
watergate? u mean a dam??
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
I finally found a reason to live again.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to