Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
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Why is this me 😫
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring