Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
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Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
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Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Blew my mind.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.