*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
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“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
#growingpains
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
pep talk
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
#parenting
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.