[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
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If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket