*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
You Might Also Like
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Cause of death: Zumba
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.