Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
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When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.