Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
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I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
thank god
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi