Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question

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My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.


My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.


I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”


Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.


She: “I am expecting…”

Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”

She: “…someone at 3.”


Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.


Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.


Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:

22 month old son: When’s she going back?

Me: Back where?

Son: To her house at the hospital.

Me: She lives with us now.

Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.