Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
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Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Lmfaoooooo
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.