Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
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If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.