Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
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If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I am never leaving this website
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”