Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
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Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
me 2 months after i graduated
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.