Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
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ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Hotels are back
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
We need more people like this.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Who needs an Air Fryer?
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.