Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
You Might Also Like
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
rich people when they have to pay taxes
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
This meal prepping shit easy
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be