Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
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Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.