Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
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ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too