little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
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“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
<- sleeps well with others
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
😂🤣😂🤣