@HenpeckedHal

Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…

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@solommb

My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.

@BrandonVine

I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.

@FrankCurtisB

When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:

-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?

@Tommytoughstuff

Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”

@_Kim_Jongun

My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.

But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.

I’m not telling.

Checkmate.

@

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.

@No_1BullshitGuy

Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.

@longwall26

I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.