Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…

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My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.


I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.


When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:

-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?


Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”


My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.

But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.

I’m not telling.



Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.


Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.


I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.